Two Swedish girls …

One afternoon two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. They were considering setting up a website using live video streaming services but wanted to see what they looked like in a photo first. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing.

When the photographer goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks, “Vot’s he goink to do?”

Her sister answers,” He’s goink to focus!”

The second sister cries,” Bot of us?”

How to detect a mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“There are a number of techniques from multi-factor analysis to detailed observation; but there’s one way that never fails,” he replied. “You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

The Mechanic’s Dictionary

Drilling

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, just like golf equipment, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc….”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. (Better than one of those car lifts though)

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

The Milk Bath

Geri Halliwell on the April 2005 UK edition

A blonde was reading Cosmopolitan magazine, and next to a page about Patentrim reviews she reads an article that says milk is good for your skin and pores.

Excitedly, the next day she puts a note on her steps for the milkman telling him she wants 25 gallons of milk.

The next day the milkman finds the note and he is confused if she meant to write it as 2.5 gallons, so he finds the women and asks her if she wants 2.5 gallons or 25 gallons. She says “No 25 gallons, its for taking a bath”.

The milkman says “Would you like it pasteurized?”.

“No just up to my tits”, she replied.

Golf Etiquette Rules

  • The greatest mystery in golf is how come players who can hit 100 balls on the range in ten minutes flat cannot make 94 strokes out on the course in anything under five hours
  • The only really useful golf tip is one given to the starter to get you out ahead of a mixed foursome
  • When another foursome is on the green ahead, “Fore!” is not an excuse, “So what?” is not an apology, and “Up yours” is not an explanation
  • Always replace divots in the fairway and rake footprints in the sand traps even if you have to move your ball to do so
  • Even if she lies 22, never in the entire history of golf has a lady player ever picked up her ball
  • Everyone picks up the tab when they’re playing alone
  • Everyone rakes the bunker after a beautiful out
  • Everyone repairs the ball mark after a fabulous putt
  • Everyone replaces the divot after a great shot
  • If the course is completely empty when you drive up, it’s because an outing of 100 golfers is about to tee off in a shotgun start or they’re aerating the greens
  • If you aren’t paired with the two loud- mouthed dickheads you saw unloading their clubs in the parking lot, it’s because the couple from hell is waiting for you on the first tee
  • If you can’t outrun a golf club, don’t give advice
  • If you ever par the first three holes, you’ll have a twenty-minute wait on the next tee
  • Never steal a lost ball until it stops rolling
  • Never take lessons from your father. Never teach golf to your wife. Never play your son for money. Never mess with your wife’s golf equipment
  • No golfer ever played too fast No group ever played too quietly
  • No golfer ever dressed too plainly
  • No matter how early your tee time, there will always be a foursome in the middle of the first fairway
  • No one blows his nose at the end of your follow-through
  • No one has a coughing fit as you walk off the tee
  • No one rattles the ballwasher while you’re tying your shoes
  • Play is always faster on the other nine
  • Remember, it only takes a moment to pick up a wedge left on the green by a group of slow players in front of you and windmill it into a pond
  • Slow players are early risers
  • The course marshal is a retired mortician with cataracts and the shakes

The Consultant

Mountain view with sheepA shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Ralph Lauren tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany where he usually gets the images for his trade show exhibits. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep”.

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,” says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant,” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answers the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. ”

“Now give me back my dog.”