A week in Hell

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him “Hey Vinny we’ve been waitin for ya!”.

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says “I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?” Vinny answers “Ya, I love to smoke.” The Devil says “Good you’ll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything.”

“Now do you like to drink?” Then Vinny says “Of course I love to drink.” The Devil replies “Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great.”

“Do you like to have sex?” Vinny says “Hell ya sex is the best.” The Devil smiles and replies “We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wednesdays.”

And the Devil finally says “Now, have you ever been on one of these gay vacations?” Vinny frowns and answers “NO I’m not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes “Your gonna hate Thursdays.”

Installing a carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he`d lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, next to some rugs, under the carpet, was a bump.

“No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out His hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”

Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts

Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon in 1972
Image via Wikipedia

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

You will have trouble with the ties on your Mixed Martial Arts pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.

The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

The racing snail

...and in last place.
Creative Commons License photo credit: ….Tim

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, ‘Yes, but you can’t have a number on your car, you can only have an ‘S’ because you are a snail.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘We’ll make it look cool by adding some Polaris RZR accessories

The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail’s car was at the back…but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled ‘WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!’

A bunch of lightbulb jokes

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it!

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None…. There never *was* any light bulb, don’t you remember?

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny!

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turns itself in.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS… I’m sorry…what did you ask me?

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change
a Progress lighting bulb?
A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem
and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for
any future references to the light-bulb issue.

Q: How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3 – one to argue for the rights of the old lightbulb, one to argue for the rights of the new lightbulb, and one to argue for the rights of the light socket

Q. How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for “the paper”, one to sell you “the paper” and another to follow you home and ask why you weren’t at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.

Q. How many historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. I dunno – not my period.

Q. How many revisionist historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. In actual fact, against popular consensus, the lightbulb was never actually changed.

Q. How many cultural historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. I am less interested in the lightbulb than the discourses surrounding the changing.

Q. How many art historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. 11. One to change the lightbulb, and 5 to show earlier versions that influenced it, and 5 to say that the changing was actually done by the changers apprentice.

Q. How many Scottish historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. All of them, because they are sick of living under the shadow of England for so long.

Q: How many singer-songwriters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.

Q: how many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 6, one to drop it and 5 to pick it up! pick it up! pick it up!

Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They’re supposed to keep the President in the dark.
A’ : One: to award a billion dollar sole-source contract with Halliburton to replace it.
A”: thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb’s burning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President’s bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk shows to accuse the Democrats of being weak on light, and one to deny rumors that it’s still dark in there.
A”’: sixty: thirty to bribe staffers to write letters telling everyone how wonderful it is to sit in the dark, and thirty more to bribe newspaper editors to publish those letters.
A””: The Administration will defend its policy of warrant-less surveillance of all Americans suspected of supporting foreign terrorist bulbs entering this country.

Q. How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, but they’d much rather watch someone else do it.

Q: How many Yemenites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it must be a Yemenite lightbulb.

Q: How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5. One to incorrectly diagnose the problem, 2 to repeat the first rep’s notes to the customer, and one to inform the customer that the lightbulb changing service is no longer available in that location.

Q: How many Palistinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. One to negotiate with the old bulb and one to shoot at it at the same time.

Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
A3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
A4. Rottweiler: Make me.
A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
A7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …
A13. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster…
A15. Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat’s Answer: “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

Q. How many Massage Therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.

Q. How many femmes does it take…?
A. Why would we want to! – the world is full of perfectly good butches!

Q. How many transsexuals does it take…?
A. Only one, but she needs a note from two doctors.

Q How many people in Marin County does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Silly! They don’t screw in light bulbs in Marin County — they screw in hot tubs.

Q: How many kids with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hey! Do you wanna go ride bikes?

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to say “here’s one we did earlier”

Q. How many Floridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don’t know for sure, they’re still counting.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Q: How many MP’s does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it’s done.

Q: How many Tory MP’s does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from
the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens underwear.
A: I’m sorry I can’t tell you that, the light bulb changing service has
been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. It’s up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame
the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the
original bulb in place 17 years ago.

Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None – they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
A: None. “There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for
illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the
lightbulb lighting up again.”
A: None, because, look! It’s getting brighter! It’s definitely getting
brighter !!!

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.

Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. “Well it’s not really a question of should we change it or should
we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of…(blah blah waffle)”

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one’s knee from jerking.
A: None: They can’t remove the old ones since they are already part of
the environment.

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
as to why the last one went out.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They haven’t got a policy on that.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to
allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘800’
number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it’s his business.
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
the dark.

Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!

Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a
light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two — One to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None — He’ll only promise “change.”
A: He doesn’t. He whines a while, says “I feel your pain”, and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
need a Constitutional ammendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
screwing one extra lightbulb.

Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.

Q: How many believable, competent, “just right for the job” presidential
candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It’s going to be a dark 4 years, isn’t it?

Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can’t even spell “lightbulbe”, eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find
out what the other candidate’s families think about lightbulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we
have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept.
of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or
business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
A: (Bruce Babbitt) It’s foolish to talk about screwing in light
bulbs when we haven’t even taken the first step, and that is to remove
the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and
help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn’t matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it
only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South
Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we’ll see
how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent
it, and the American people resent it.
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth
solutions that moderate Southerners won’t cotton to on Super Tuesday. At
least I hope not.
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I’m foolish for wearing
my hair the same way I did in the 50’s. But that’s what Paul Simon’s
all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I’m foolish for
this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in
the 50’s: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution
at best. I’m more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even
the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the
American Indians of today don’t have enough silver, or gold, or even
paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra
light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes,
from the lighthouse to the White House.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn’t
have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have
always taken care of that… With a DuPont administration, the power of
the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need
changing.
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
A: (Kemp) It’s morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let
those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair
in the dark].
A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question.
I’ve answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing
alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.

The next three jokes are about the candidates who are running for a seat in
the Senate for Virgina.

Q: How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hell, how can he? He sold all the lightbulbs to Iran.

Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don’t know, he can’t decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb
in or not!

(Note: Douglas Wilder decided not to run, but then redecided to run
for a seat in the Senate. Repeat cycle over.)

Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
lightbulb to Iran.

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone
hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense
examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it
proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the
bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the
room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one
to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan’s light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan’s apparent poor memory.
A: Just one – Nancy.
Note: Topical to Reagan’s dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto
ascent to power in 1987

Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial
(“The bulb is really just dim”), one to blame the bulb burning out on the
Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one
to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning
out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old
colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the
cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the
next generation.

Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They’d just go round telling everyone that it’s time for a change but
the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for “New lightbulb.”

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s a military secret.

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests
of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature.
Next question, please.

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None, that’s the proletariat’s work!
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!

Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three – one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of
inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn’t defective.

Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: Five – one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the
Environmental Impact Statement.
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor
to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition
to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb,
a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order
a receiving clerk to receive the bulb….
A: Seven– one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be
shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are
maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal
regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the
paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
A: Two – one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally
finishes screwing it up.
A: None, we contract out for things like that.

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We’ve formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs
burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to
enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. I can’t do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design
change request form.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You can’t CHANGE a light bulb!

Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes
in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael Anderson ’83, a student activist
at Harvard.

(And in a similar vein…)
Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice)
A: It’s no use trying to CHANGE it, it’s got to be SMASHED !!!

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
(Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for theirself.)
Perhaps it would help to say, “All of them. Or, none of them. Or several.”
(BTW, I prefer “theirself” to any other construction.)

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two – one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old
one has burnt out.

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.

Q: how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU WEREN’T THERE, MAN!!! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 – to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant “Fight Darkness!”

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say “Get daaowwwwn !”

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
(Well, it was funny enough to have made it onto TV…)

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the
Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the
house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion
of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at
Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church
to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of
bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas
Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent,
fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the
light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being
screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary’s sister’s next door neighbors’ priest’s cousin’s union shop
steward’s uncle’s Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew’s
best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to
the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even
though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don’t expect results.

(They’re supposed to be useless…(but we’re Europeans, so none of that!))

Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.

Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive
the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while
he does it.

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other
skater on the knee.

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32…….

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you should’ve seen the line outside the producer’s hotel room.

Q: How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer
is actually none. They’re just faking it.

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done
everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What do you think? (Theatre humour)

Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old
one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.

Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it’s five but as we all now it’s only him, so…

Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they’re really three.

Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new
and old bulbs. (Yes, anal-retentive really does have a hyphen.)

Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.

Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. “I can’t change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger
King burger.”

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, and you should’ve seen the light bulb! It must have been
*this* big! (Gestures with arms…) Five of us were barely enough!

Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so
it’ll be architecturally accurate.

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going “To
the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it
out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and
to the right, and to the right, and to the right…”

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, “In 1876, Jules Verne
had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy
alternative. Hitherto, the only sources …”
A: Two, but it’s actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and
met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one’s
shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox
occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of
existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex
exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the
removed lightbulb.

Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or
vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone
and change the room. It’s all relative.

Q: How many “Changing lightbulbs”-joke writers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Two hundred, and don’t ask why because they haven’t -figured that out yet.

Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to
spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone.

Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I’ve just cashed up.

Q: How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early
next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then
left and then right. No, thanks, anytime.”

Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Err. Nahh, it’s MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It’s a new fangled
addition. It’s been developed by, er, (etc…)

Q: How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It’s of no interest to them.

Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five dollar bill.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up
there and come back empty ? You must be jokin’ mate !

Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll tell everybody.

Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.

(Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs, etc.
Thus, a mutant is often only “2/3 of a person”)
Or, perhaps it’s “Got three hands, only needs two for the job ?”

Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can’t catch a waiter’s eye.

Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.

Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn’t know where it came from.
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.

Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.

Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
A: They can’t do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.

(Note : This is based on recent successful environmentalist pressures to stop
logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.)

Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One – but he has to wait until the light is better.

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
A: Two – one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection
slip to the old bulb.

Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is
the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed?
It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn’t too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren’t supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query
them.

Q: How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why is there…an eggbeater, I think?…sticking out of this light fixture?

Q: How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without
checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to
accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it
was all done with the lightbulb’s best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it’s been
thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and
one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

Q: How many Indiana University “notes” users does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job
they can get after they graduate.
A: Have you ever wondered why it’s so dark in Bloomington?

Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Change it to what?

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don’t make Pampers small enough.

Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five – four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and…

Q: How many tight gits does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after
all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
(left a bit, right a bit, left a bit…)
A: None, bankers don’t change light bulbs.
(Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of
burned-out light bulbs?)

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this
is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
as the older, heavier ones.

Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you’ll have all the light you need.

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six – One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and
the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: As many as will fit in the El Camino.

(Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was popular with
Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of people into
their cars when they go low-riding.)

Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don’t know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.

Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It’s a perfectly good bloody bulb! We
have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, it’s *their* light bulb.

Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb ??
A: Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
(Notes : Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters over Iraq.)

Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping…..

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter, they don’t have any electricity anymore.

Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they don’t have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.

Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred – One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there weren’t any light bulbs in the 13th century.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty – one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.

Ya Gotta Be a Redneck if:

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think ‘The Nutcracker‘ is a vice on the work bench.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list, right above weight loss pills.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does..

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it..

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip‘ on the side.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:-

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the drive, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the wastepaper basket under the table, and notice that the basket is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the table catches my eye – they need water.

I put the Coke on the table and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the table, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there’s a warm can of Coke sitting on the table
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there’s still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favour. Forward this page to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!