Free gym sessions

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmills, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.

What if I died, dear?

Here’s a great joke that could happen to just about anyone. What do you think?

—————–

Wife: “Would you get a girlfriend again if I died?”

Husband: “Of course not.”

Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

Husband: “Ok, I would marry again.” (annoyed)

Wife: “Oh…” (sad)

Husband: -silence-

Wife: “Would you live in our house?”

Husband: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

Wife: “Would you two sleep in our sleep number bed?”

Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”

Wife: “Would you let her drive my car?”

Husband: “I guess I would, it’s almost new.”

Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs, too?”

Husband: “No, she’s left handed.”

Wife: -silence-

——————-

That’s a great joke by my book, but for some reason, my wife didn’t find it funny 😉

Tech Support

Tech: Computer Services Orange County this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!

Tech: We didn’t put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I’m looking at them right now!

(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)

Tech: Where exactly are these “bookmarks” located?

Female Customer: In Netscape!

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!

Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?

Female Customer: Yes that one!

Tech: Miss, that’s the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.

Female Customer: Well I certainly didn’t type in those X rated web addresses!

Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?

Female Customer: Just me and my husband!

(Several seconds of silence pass … Hey! I wasn’t going to say it!)

Female Customer: …….. oh …………. OOOH! … Thank you.

(She quickly hung up)

Anything for an ace

He’d been playing for twenty years and he’d never managed it – the ultimate goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. “I’d give anything,” he said, “anything to get a hole in one.”

“Anything?” came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail.

“What did you have in mind?” the golfer enquired.

“Well would you give up half your sex life.'”

“Yes, Yes I would.”

“It’s a deal then,” and the figure faded discreetly from sight.

On the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting his golf equipment away the figure in red appeared once more.

“Now for our bargain,” he said. “You remember you must give up half your sex life.”

The golfer frowned. “That gives me a bit of a problem,” he said.

“You’re not backing out of this,” cried the figure with a swish of its tail.

“We’d struck a bargain and you agreed to it.”

“Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want – the thinking or the dreaming?”

Hospital Charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today at Blue Cross North Carolina, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.