An Oirish Story

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems….

‘Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot’.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

‘Incredible’he says, ‘there is a £20 note lodged up here.’

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

‘This is amazing!’ exclaims the Doctor. ”What do you want me to do?’

‘Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! ‘shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc…..

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

‘Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?’

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says ‘£1,990 exactly.’

‘Ah, dat’d be roit,” says the Irishman. ‘I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand..’

There’s the ring!

A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he’s very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“I’ve been fine, just fine,” she replies, “Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.”

“Bad news first, ma’am.”

“Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.”

“Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“But here the good news. You know you had lost one of your class rings? Well, the doctor found your it for you!”

Porn on TV?

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

“For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”*

Here’s how to park …

Before going to Europe on business together with his business card designer online, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank’s doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. “Wait, sir,” the loan officer says. “You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?” The man smiles, “Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

Balls of steel

Two wrestlers an American and a Russian were the finialists in the World Championship event.

They were preparing to meet each other in the final round and the American coach was giving instructions to his star wrestler while pulling on one of those wrestling singlets.

The coach was saying, “Beware of the Russian and his famous hold – the pretzel. No one has ever got out of that hold!.”

The match begins and the Russian finally gets an advantage on the American and he is in the dreaded pretzel hold.

The spectators start to get up to leave.

Suddenly there is a blood curdling scream and the Russian goes flying across the canvas, and the American wrestler feebly crawls over and pins him for the title.

Later the American coach asked, “How did you get out of that hold?”

The wrestler responds, “Well I knew I was dead meat when he got me in that hold. I opened my eyes and through the blur I could see these big pink testicles.

So I stretched my neck with all my might and I bit down on those babies just as hard as I could.

It’s amazing how much strength you can come up with when you bite your own balls!”

A Xmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honour of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

Paddy replied,

‘These are Carol’s.’

Who can you trust?

A fingerstyle guitarist (FG) is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie.

“Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years” the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the FG. “And because of your kindness” the genie continues, “I will grant you 3 wishes”. “But I must caution you” alerts the genie.

“And what’s that?” asks the FG.

“Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist (EG) in the world will receive double” explains the genie.

“Not a problem” says the FG.

“Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master”

“$10 million in small bills” says the FG unhesitatingly.

“Good choice, Master” and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every EG in the world now has $20 million in their account.

“And your next wish, Master?”

“A brand new Taylor best boss br 1200 from guitar center and presto! right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he’d ever seen. And of course every EG now has 2 of these guitars in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren’t going to know what to do with one, much less two.

“You’ve made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?”

The FG thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney” …

The horrible truth …

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

Michael Hedges joke

A fingerstyle guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

“This is Chet Atkins room here…” says Peter, and the guitarist is saying “Wow! Chet Atkins!” “And this is Merle Travis’ room here and Marcel Dadi’s is over there…” and the Fingerstyle Guitarist is totally in awe.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room complete with a les paul double cut standard at Musicians friend. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, “I have to ask. Is Hedges here?” Peter shakes his head sadly and says “I’m afraid he needed to… spend time in Pergatory. But he’ll be along soon enough.”

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He’s woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing – a Harp Guitar – and it sounds just like Michael. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room was now playing… it can’t be …. a fingerstyle version of “Pinball Wizard”. The fingerstyle guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Michael Hedges. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Hedges is in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, “Shhh…. don’t tell anyone. That’s God. He thinks he’s Michael Hedges”