Going to heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat even without an ephedra diet pill and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Where do kids come from?

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

I used to go online using my satellite internet while I was out camping. Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

“You’ve got Male!”

The 25 BBS Commandments

1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
2. Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
4. Honor thy SysOp.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
6. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.
8. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
9. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
10. Thou shalt help other users.
11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
12. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
14. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
18. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
19. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp’s rules.
20. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
21. Thou shalt not upload “worm” programs.
22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
24. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications (even if you DO have high speed satellite internet), or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
25. Thou shalt not hack.

Come back here

This bloke bought a new Mercedes sports coupe and took it out on the highway to enjoy his new purchase. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 160 kph he suddenly saw a flashing blue and red light behind him. “There ain’t no way they can catch my Mercedes,” he thought to himself and pressed the peddle to the floor. The needle hit 190 but still the cop stayed on his tail. “What in hell am I doing?” the driver thought and wisely pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word then examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last booking,” he said. I don’t feel like any more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off!”

The driver thought a moment, then said, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop in one of those Yamaha Rhinos….and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice night and tone down your speed”, said the officer.