Wink .. Wink .. Nudge .. Nudge

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm with manufactured home alarm systems. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me!”

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

The shopkeeper

The shopkeeper of Rooster Decor was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.

Father O’Connell and The Candle

Mrs. O’Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O’Rafferty.

“Hello,” said the Father, “And hows Mrs. O’Donovan, didn’t I marry you and your husband two years ago?”

“You did that, Father.”

“And are there any little ones yet?”

“No, not yet, Father.” Said she.

“Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, I’ll buy one of those Village candles and I’ll light it for you.”

“Why thank you, Father. How kind of you to think of us.” And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

“Well now, Mrs. O’Donovan,” said the Father, “how are you?”

“Oh, very well,” said she.

“And tell me,” he said, “have you any little ones yet?”

“Oh yes, Father. I’ve had three sets of twins, and four singles–ten in all.”

“Now isn’t that wonderful,” he said. “and how is your lovely husband?”

“Oh,” she said, “he’s over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!”

How did you make your money?

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died, I sold his satellite internet provider company and made us two million dollars.”

Little Johnny in the garden

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden surrounded by swing sets and giant blocks. He had been there the good part of the morning, keeping himself busy and playing with all his toys.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.

“No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”

Trying to convince him further, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.”

“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny. “Why not?” “Because I ate her first!”

Happy the hubby’s home

Little Johnny was playing on his PS3 in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

“Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny.

“Well, son,” he explained, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, “What does being in love mean?”

“Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love.”

“But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you.”

“I don’t understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?”

“Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs,

‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!'”

The honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers just out of law school, so not quite a Seattle personal injury lawyer, more like someone with no experience.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, “My dad sued me for the money.”