Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish
Q. Why don’t oysters give to charity? A. Because they’re shellfish
Did you hear about the gay burglars? They broke in and re-arranged the furniture!
The cannibal was late to a huge family meal, so everyone gave him the cold shoulder
Two cannibals sitting by a fire after a lovely meal. -Your wife makes a fine roast,says one. -Yes, sighed the other -I’m gonna miss her
Joe worked for a fulfillment center and received an interesting memo informing him that the company had discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:-
- jumping to conclusions,
- flying off the handle,
- beating around the bush,
- running down the boss,
- going around in circles,
- dragging their feet,
- dodging responsibility,
- passing the buck,
- climbing the ladder,
- wading through paperwork,
- pulling strings,
- shooting the breeze,
- throwing their weight around,
- stretching the truth,
- bending the rules,
- pushing their luck,
- shuffling papers,
- and playing hide and seek.
As you can imagine .. he wasn’t all that happy.
Man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash “Do you serve lawyers?” “Sure”. “I’ll have a pint and a lawyer for my ‘gator please”
A policeman pulls over a drunk driver and asks for his license. “Ociffer ..you need to make your mind up. You took it yesterday!”
An astronomer, taking a holiday from a commercial satellite company is on an expedition to Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he’s captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he’s not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals’ tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard answers, “Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal“.
“Great”, the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, “But because everyone’s so excited about it, in your case we’re going to wait until after the eclipse.”
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking, especially when wearing men’s sunglasses.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.