Bags under the eyes

A woman wanted to have a facelift, so she went to see the doctor. “Yes, I can do it, but you’ll have to return in a few months for a follow-up,” the doctor says.

“I would much rather have it done all at once. I don’t want to have to back,” she tells him.

Thinking for a few minutes, the doctor tells her, “We do have a new procedure. We put a screw in the top of your head, then any time you happen to see wrinkles reappearing, you turn the screw and it pulls the skin up causing the wrinkles to disappear. That’s better than any deep wrinkle treatment

“Perfect,” she says, “that’s what I’d like to have.”

A few months later the woman bursts into the doctor’s office. “How’s the procedure holding up?” he asks her. “Horrible!” she shouts. “It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” asks the doctor. “What’s wrong? Take a look at these bags under my eyes,” she screams.

“Ma’am, those are not bags,” the doctor says, “those are your breasts. And if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to end up with a beard!”

The squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “You must have one of the best jobs Philly has to offer. What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”

At the dentist

A man walks into the dentist’s office after reading an advert about their dental discounts and after the dentist examines him, he says, “That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The man grabs the dentist’s arm, “no way. I hate needles I’m not having any shot!”

So the dentist says, “okay, we’ll have to go with the gas.”

The man replies, “absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, “here,” he says. “Take this pill.”

The man asks “What is it?”

The doc replies, “Viagra.”

The man looks surprised, “will that kill the pain?” he asks.

“No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!”