Man: Doctor, I think I’m a dog. Psychiatrist: Mmm, please lie on the couch. Man: I’m not allowed on the couch!
A tiger clone was found murdered at the local zoo today. Police suspect a copycat killer!
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, while staying at one of the punta cana hotels, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.” The Consul says “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price.” “No, it’s not that,” says George. “You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man who was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day, he rose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!”
Murphy’s Ten Laws for Experimentalists:
In a scientific experiment,
- if something can go wrong, it will do so just before your grant is up for review
- if the reading on your detector is correct, then you have forgot to plug it in
- if several things can go wrong then they will do so all at the same time
- if nothing can go wrong with your experiment, something still will
- left unto itself, your experiment will go from bad to worse; on the other hand, if you pay attention to the experiment then it will take three times longer to complete than you thought it would
- Nature is both subtle and malicious (Murphy stole this one from Albert Einstein)
- a straight line will never fit your data, and using a wiggly line will result in the rejection by referees of the publication of work
- if you make a great discovery today, you will find a major error in your methods tomorrow (experienced experimentalists call this effect “here today, gone tomorrow”)
- in contrast to a radio, banging your apparatus when you are at peak frustration will not fix it but permanently break it (for this reason, it is important for experimentalists to remain calm in their lab coats at all times)
- when your experiment is just about to succeed, you will run out of grant money.
In short, in a scientific experiment, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus looking to solve his problem by calling the best computer support Orange County has to offer.
She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up!
“Doctor, I have a problem with my memory!” The doctor says “When did it start?” Man: “When did what start?” “Who are you?”
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing at one of these Myrtle Beach vacation rentals. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”
She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.”
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. It’s the best way to burn fat. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the Toto toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!!”
Two things that are certain in life: Death & Taxes. Unless you’re wealthy, in which case: Off-shore Accounts & Cryogenics