I went to the library and asked the lady for a book on suicide. “No way” she said, “you won’t give it back!”
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
What do you mean I’m not in shape? I am, I’m round! That’s a shape isn’t it ?
I’ve been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac, but when it gets bad, I just take something for it …
Peter Allen and Rachel Burden asked their listeners to the Radio 5 live ‘Drive’ programme to send in the worst holiday beginnings that they had experienced. This followed the horrific example of when a plane was flying with holiday makers to Egypt when it had to put down in Brindisi, Southern Italy as the pilot had found a note declaring that there was a bomb on board. This he passed this information on to the passengers. An horrific start to their vacation.
These five other snippets were sent into the programme:
1. ‘I arrived in Cuba 2 hours before a hurricane.’
2. I spent 3 hours in a traffic jam on the M6 between junctions 15 and 16.’
3. ‘My girl friend of 3 years told me our relationship was over as we got off the plane in Barbados.’
4. ‘We were travelling to Toronto, Canada while all our luggage was sent to Toronto, Italy.’
5. ‘I set off from home to Gatwick on Wednesday morning after staying in one of those great Acapulco hotels and because of the appalling weather [snow, ice and blizzards] we didn’t fly to Belfast until Saturday afternoon. I returned home on Sunday. – some short break.’ [A true story that happened to Will’s daughter Hannah]
All toilets have been stolen from the police station. The police say they have nothing to go on.
A ship carrying blue paint collides with a ship carrying red paint. The crew of both ships were marooned
STOP PRESS: A police van filled with prisoners collided with a cement truck this morning. Latest reports fear they’re now hardened criminals
TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank, you’ll want customer services not merchant services.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?
TECH: I’m not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
Did you hear that Wigan signed up Tampax as their official sponsor? It’s just that they’re having a bad period …