Couple in lover’s lane

A policeman was patrolling a local lover’s lane parking spot overlooking a golf course. As he drove around he passed a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.

There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

He stopped his patrol car and went over to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s side of the car and knocked on the window. The young man looked up, wound down the window and said, “Good evening officer.”

“What are you doing parked here?” the policeman asked. “Well officer,” replied the young man, “I’m reading this magazine about colon cleanse reviews.”

The police officer pointed towards the young lady in the back seat and asked, “And what is she doing?”. The young man looked over to the back seat and replied, “What does it look like she is doing? She’s knitting.”

“And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man. “I’m eighteen.” he replied.

“And how old is the young lady?” asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about seven minutes she’ll be sixteen.”

Beer vs Face Cream

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of anti aging face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

On the PA system: “CLEAN UP, on aisle 25, we have a husband down!”

Run .. Run .. Run

Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of mbt sneakers, and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”

“Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear.”

“If you know that, why are you changing shoes?”

“Well, the way I figure it,” the first lawyer replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”

Stories by travel agents

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.”

Her response was “click.”

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

5. I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time.”

7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8. A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while “I looked
into it,” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “I have one of these a mexico vacation deals, how do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

10. “A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many
times and never had to have one of those.” I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

12. A woman called to make reservations. “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”

The customer retorted,”Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

Super weight loss plan

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and owned all the fitness equipment you could think of. Nothing worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, “Lose weight $1.00 a pound.” And it simply listed a telephone number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”

To which the man responded, “ten pounds.”

The voice replied, “very well, put you check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”.

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, “quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!” He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”

To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, “twenty pounds”.

“Very well”, the voice on the phone told him, “put your check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.

When he was through she told him, “quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

“This is fantastic!” He thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
“how much weight do you want to lose?”

“Fifty pounds!” The man exclaimed.

“Fifty pounds?” The voice asked. “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.”

The overweight man replied, “my check’s already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning.” Then he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “If I catch you I’m going to screw you.”

Heard in a computer shop

People go to a computer shop for a variety of reasons. For advice, to buy memory or even just to hang out with other geeks. Here’s one that was overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

You couldn’t make that up huh?

A tale of a Consultant

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages around the pop displays. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”.

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000”. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant.”

Get some new office supplies

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supplies dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I’ll tell you why,” shouted Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well, interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown.

“However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'”

Crocodile Boots

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking, regardless of how fancy their barcode scanner was.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Off to the casino

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