Jump .. jump .. jump

A blonde is terribly overweight, even tried some adipex no prescription without any luck, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

I’m so fat that …

  • When I dance I make the band skip.
  • My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
  • When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.
  • My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.
  • lipozene just doesn’t do anything to me
  • My driver’s license says picture continued on other side.
  • When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
  • When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!
  • Instead of being born with a silver spoon I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
  • They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.
  • I could become rich and sell shade.
  • My belly button doesn’t have lint — it has sweaters.

And you think YOU’RE fat?

What NOT to do at a pharmacy

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.”

“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.”

“Show me,” said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety – ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything; he even found some vigrx; before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.”

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”

Rules for eating chocolate

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
  • The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge, right next to your collection of diets that work.
  • Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
  • Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

Old couple at a pharmacy

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds ”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs, zimmerframes and walking sticks?”

Pharmacist: “All shapes and sizes.”

Jacob: “How about incontinence products?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob: “Can we set up our wedding list here?”

Moses and Computers

“Excuse me, Sir.”

“Is that you again, Moses?”

“I’m afraid it is, sir.”

“What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?”

“How did you guess?”

“I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

“Tell me what you want, Moses.”

“But you already know. Remember?”

“Moses!”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out.”

“Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ‘ten things’ you sent me?”

“You mean the Commandments, Moses?”

“That’s it. I was wondering if they were important.”

“What do you mean ‘were important’, Moses? Of course, they’re important.

Otherwise I wouldn’t have sent them to you.”

“Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them or my mobile satellite connection died, but of course you would see right through that.”

“What do you mean ‘you lost them’? Are you trying to tell me you didn’t  save them, Moses?”

“No, sir. I forgot.”

“You should always save, Moses.”

“Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.  I did send them to some people before I lost them though.”

“And did you hear back from any of them?”

“You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not’? Can he change the words a little bit?”

“Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn’t change the meaning.”

“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the ‘Ten Suggestions,’ or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”

“Moses, I’ll act like I didn’t hear that.”

“I think that means ‘no.’ Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”

“I think the term is ‘spamming,’ Moses.”

“Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”

“And what did he say?”

“You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those – er – plagues, and that’s the reason I lost those ten things, do you?”

“They’re called ‘viruses,’ Moses.”

“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them.”

“We’ll do it the new way, Moses.”

“I was afraid you would say that, sir.”

“Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?”

“You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.”

“It’s a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?”

“No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By  the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?”

“No, Moses.”

“One other thing. Why didn’t you name them ‘frogs’ instead of ‘mice,’ because didn’t you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”

“I didn’t name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to.”

“Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn’t it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?”

“Say good night, Moses.”

“Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ‘ten things’ have come back.”

“Which ones are they, Moses?”

“Let’s see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image’ and ‘Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor’s wife.'”

“Turn the computer off, Moses. I’m sending you another set of stone tablets.

How you know you’re a high tech worker

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor hasn’t the ability to do your job assignment.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital without any internet satellite connection.

All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.

10% of the people you work with (boss included) — knows what they do.

Vacation is something you rollover to next year.

Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers” or “does something with satellites”

You read this entire list and understood it

Letter to wife – a computer addict

Dear Wife….I’m sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB…..whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.

John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He’s the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.

Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you’ve forgotten her, she’s the one who has you raise your feet when she’s running the sweeper.

Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He’s the one who empties your porta potty for you.

Lets see…..since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes….. I have a new job.

Well, I think that’s about it. I’ll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all “miss” you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off or the high speed satellite internet is down!

Love, Your Husband

Care and feeding of your computer

I’ve been working on a project at orange country computer support to ensure all our end users know how to back up data in preparation for company wide computer upgrades. I’m tempted to hand this out to some of our users.

  1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
  2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
  3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.
  4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
  5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes.
  6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive.
  7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data (“data compression“) enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Caught in a clothes shop

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a dress from an exclusive women’s clothing store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the dress, and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”