Betting the bank

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”
The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, “Gambling.”

“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?”

“Well, it all started when I signed up for Casino Bonus 2, a No deposit casino that lets you play on a number of different casino sites without having to deposit any money. I built us lots of practice and now have learnt all about betting.”

“Now, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”

“Ok, have it your way”, said the president, and they shook hands on it.

“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

“Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.

“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

“No, perfectly understandable”, said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.

“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

“Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.

“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

Some printer jokes

Check out these printer jokes:

  • You have just received your new printer and the box looks damaged with a nice expensive printer inside. All looks hopeless throw out the box it will likely not work.
  • What will my printer warranty cover? Your mouse pad
  • When the office printer color started to look a little off the manager called the local repair shop. To the manager’s surprise the clerk said that it would cost $50 to get the color printing sorted but that he might try reading the manual and doing it himself.
  • The manager replied in astonishment “does your boss know that you discourage business that way?”
  • “Yes”, replied the clerk. It was his idea. We make more on repairs than cleanings if the owner tries to do it himself first.
  • A woman called tech support and said her computer couldn’t find the printer.
  • The tech asked “are you working under windows?”
  • The woman replied “no I’m near the door but the guy in the next cubical is working under a window and his printer works fine.”
  • The printer is comprised of three main parts; the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
  • When the printer still will not work after 20 tries; try sending the print job to all 100 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Does that remind you of a printer you’ve used?

The Maths Professor

The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in New York and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.

The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn’t rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn’t loose any of them.

“Thirty nine boxes altogether”, says the prof on the phone.

“That can’t be”, the wife exclaims. “The New York Movers picked up forty boxes at our old place.”

The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.

The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.

In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: “I don’t understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That’s more than strange…”

“Well”, the prof says. “This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,…”

Blue Screen of Death – Customisation Options

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, “What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?”

A surprising number of respondents said, “Staring at a Blue Screen of Death.” At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer “Downloading XXXScans” by an easy 12 points.

“We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers,” explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of “BSOD Themes,” allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft’s recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the “ultimate information portal.” By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes with the option to click here to go to a particular one. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. “This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one.”

Some insurance Q&As

Here are some great insurance form questions and answer about a recent accident. These all came from real claims, so keep in mind that even though you may have the cheapest auto insurance, there are people out there who are brainier than you are. Here we go:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have travelled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

The Hooker

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you Jody.” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf; I even collect used golf balls.”

“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I.” Jody said. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see.” he said. Then brightening, he smiled. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A woman, a bus and a baby

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby dressed very smartly in one of those Baby jogger city select outfits.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Weight Loss Buddies

My friend Annie announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. We were both no stranger to weight gain and weight loss and this was the umpteenth diet we were trying.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

Blonde Medical Terminology

Artery — Study of paintings
Bacteria — Back door of cafeteria
Barium — What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section — District in Rome
Cat scan — Searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — Sheep dog
Coma — A punctuation mark
Congenital — Friendly
D&C — Where Washington is
Diarrhea — Journal of daily events
Dilate — To live long
Enema — Not a friend
Fester — Quicker
Fibula — A small lie
G.I. Series — Soldiers’ ball game
Grippe — Suitcase
Hangnail — Coathook
hemorrhoids relief – No more pain in the ass
Impotent — Distinguished, well known
Intense pain — Torture in a teepee
Labor pain — Got hurt at work
Medical staff — Doctor’s cane
Morbid — Higher offer
Nitrate — Cheaper than day rate
Node — Was aware of
Outpatient — Person who had fainted
Pelvis — Cousin of Elvis
Post operative — Letter carrier
Protein — Favoring young people
Rectum — It almost killed him
Recovery room — Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — Amorous
Scar — Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — Hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — Study of knighthood
Tablet — Small table
Terminal illness — Sickness at airport
Tibia — Country in North Africa
Tumor — An extra pair
Urine — Opposite of you’re out
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein — Conceited

Here’s a frog ..

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess was sitting by a pond reading eye cream reviews in her copy of Vogue. She looked up and her gaze happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t think so.”