At the grocery store

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry and say that she had rather been green shopping. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

Name those kids

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months (they took care of her by feeding her prenatal vitamins intravenously), when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew. ”

The Funny Rash

This fella goes to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?”

The doctor said “Put this on and come back next week if it doesn’t work.”

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn’t worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn’t work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn’t worked so the doctor says “Drop your pants.”

The man drops His pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says “Doctor it`s worked! What was that? acne body wash? Some sort of magic sauce?”

The doctor replies “Lipstick remover.”

The Rash

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen, looking up a list of eczema causes.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

The retired pirate

After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker´s compensation insurance he didn’t know his life insurance rate, but he did know that he has some sort of insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.

“How did you get the wooden leg?” asked the agent.

In a booming voice the pirate replied, “Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ´round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg.”

The agent replied, “That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?”

“Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ´round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand,” said the pirate.

“That´s also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?” asked the agent.

The pirate replied, “Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!”

“What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?” said the agent.

“It were the first day with me hook!”

Social Security

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers??? license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.”, and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for social security disability, too.”

Up in smoke

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, bought some insurance online for them against …. get this …. fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued … and won!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Signs you’re getting older

1. Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.

3. You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

5. Your children begin to look middle aged.

6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

7. Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. Your favourite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.

14. You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

15. Your back goes out more than you do.

17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

23. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

26. You are proud of your knowledge of prevera reviews.

27. Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.

28. You call Olan Mills before they call you.

29. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

30. You sing along with the elevator music.

31. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

32. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

33. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

34. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

35. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

36. You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.

37. Neighbors borrow your tools.

38. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

39. You have a dream about prunes.

40. You answer a question with, “because I said so.”

41. You send money to PBS.

42. The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

43. You take a metal detector to the beach.

44. You wear black socks with sandals.

45. You know what the word “equity” means.

46. You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

47. Your ears are hairier than your head.

48. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

49. You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV“).

50. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Helping an overweight blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice about how to lose weight fast. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market! To read more about them click here

“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”