The Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, aged 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in. He addresses the pharmacist, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medication for rheumatism, eczema treatment, scoliosis?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, agarol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”

Jacob says to the pharmacist: “We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here please.

When NOT to bluff ..

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with different types of furniture: tables and chairs, log furniture and even antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’m from the local telephone company, I’ve come here to activate your phone lines”

Sleeping better at night

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills? Are you sure it’s not diet pills you’re after?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

Let ME take those pills for you, dear ..

A woman and her husband approach their pharmacist who had been trying to sell the Strongest diet pill over the counter to another customer and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a certain company that makes birth control pills. Finally the pharmacist asks the couple what’s the matter. The wife explains, “In spite of using birth control pills I continue to get pregnant.” The pharmacist is astounded and asks the woman if she takes them every day.

The woman replies, “My husband takes them every day.”

“What ?” the pharmacist croaks.

“Yep. After we read all those potential side-effects, my husband said ‘ Ah honey.. I don’t what you taking that stuff.. it’s too dangerous,…..let ME take them.’ ”

Curing a cough

A front end clerk in a pharmacy has just been admonished by the owner for missing too many sales. “I’m sorry” the boss says “But one more missed sale and your fired. Just remember that you won’t find chromium supplements here.”

The next customer that comes in has a terrible cough and asks the problem clerk for help. Unable to recall where the cough remedies are, the nervous clerk points to a box of Ex-Lax and says “Here, buy this then go over to our cooler and take all of it with plenty of water”.

The customer thanks him and obliges. Finishing his last glass of water, the customer exits the pharmacy. Once outside he stops, takes a few faltering steps, then hugs a telephone pole. The boss, having witnessed the entire scene, approaches the clerk and asks him what he recommended.

“Ex-Lax,” says the clerk hesitantly.

“Ex-Lax !” yells the boss. “That won’t help a cough!”

“Sure it does,” says the clerk. “Look,.. he’s afraid to cough.”

What would you like for your birthday?

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday? Would you like so jewellery, a red envelope free shipping promo code or a special trip?”

She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald’s they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually I meant dress size.”

Purchasing furniture

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (that’s a modern furniture store if you’ve never been to one). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that’s 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don’t have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We’re just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you’re going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

The hardware store

A duck walks into a hardware store and finds the manager sorting out some Elkay sinks.

He asks the manager, “Do you have any duck food?”

The manager says, “No, we don’t have any duck food.”

The duck leaves, and comes back later. He asks the manager, “Do you have any duck food.”

The manager is annoyed and says, “NO! We don’t have any duck food!”

The next day, here comes the duck again into the hardware store. He finds the manager and says, “Do you have any duck food?”

The manager, exasperated, says, “No, we don’t have any duck food, and if you come in here and ask me that again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!” and stomps away.

The duck leaves and the next day, comes in again. He says to the manager, “Do you have any nails?”

The manager screams, “NO, we don’t have any nails!” So the duck says, “Do you have any duck food?”

Cowboy taking out life insurance

A cowboy wanted to take out a life insurance policy. Talking to an insurance agent about his policy who was checking out his life insurance rates, the insurance agent asked the cowboy, “Have you ever had any accidents?”

The cowboy repled, “No, no accidents.” Then, after a short pause he added “But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago.”

“Well!” replied the insurance agent, “Don’t you call those accidents?”

The cowboy replied, “No, I don’t—they done it on purpose!”