The Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist stops putting away his packs of best vitamin c serum and helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

No, it wasn’t my fault

The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking to assert their innocence, or at least excuse their errors, is apparently inexhaustible, judging from this genuine selection of excerpts from insurance claims.

  • I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.
  • I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
  • I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
  • A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
  • I have cheap auto insurance so it doesn’t really matter.
  • A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he gored my car.
  • She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
  • A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife’s face.
  • I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.
  • I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven’t got.
  • I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.
  • The other car collided with mine, without giving any warning of its intentions.

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The Purina diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that after reading a few lipofuze reviews, I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter‘s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

It wasn’t my fault

The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking to assert their innocence, or at least excuse their errors, is apparently inexhaustible, judging from this genuine selection of excerpts from insurance claims whether they’re motorhome insurance claims or plain old motor insurance ones.

– I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.

– I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

– I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.

– A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

– A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he gored my car.

– She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

– A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife’s face.

– I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.

– I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

– Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven’t got.

– I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.

– The other car collided with mine, without giving any warning of its intentions.

Weight loss program

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds and he couldn’t find the best weight loss supplement around. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He’s skeptical, but says to himself, “Let’s see what they can do.” He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.” For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.” Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. “Are you sure, sir?” Asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most vigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I love your program. Haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If I can catch you, I can have you.”

Computer Jokes from Buy.com

Here are some computer jokes brought to you by buy.com

  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
  • If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
  • I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
  • Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
  • In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
  • Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
  • I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
  • The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
  • A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
  • Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
  • A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
  • The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  • UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  • Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  • C://dos
    C://dos.run
    run.dos.run
  • You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  • JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
  • 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  • Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer

Technical Geekery

Are you a tehcnical geek?

Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.

You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .

When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply “Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!”

When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.

When you are counting objects “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.

When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a “mega-nap”.

When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, “You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor.”

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination, regardless on whether you playing it on your Sony VAIO or your phone.

When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.

When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.

When you call “*.*” star-dot-star.

When you can do hexadecimal arithmetic in your head.

When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, “No, dear, it’s ‘Apple Macintosh‘.”

When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

We love celery

After my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery. Much better to eat healthy than to spend time looking for diet pills that actually work.

While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake.

When it was over, my husband turned to me. “Did you ever notice,” he asked, “that they never advertise celery on TV?”

Beauty Joke

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head.

“Hmmm,” said the doctor. “I’ve no idea what it is.”

The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom. “I’m stumped, wrinkle treatments won’t help,” said the doctor, “but you can try taking these pills.”

When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head.

“Ah!” said the doctor, “I know what it is. You’ve got a beauty spot.”