Rules for eating chocolate

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Don’t worry about diet pills that work, eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
  • Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
    Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?


Why IT jobs can be frustrating

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but like many IT Jobs, sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute “furniture store” if you don’t know what “Ikea” is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that’s 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don’t have one.

C: But how do I get there?

Y: We’re just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you’re going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota Celica in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

– And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

Stories about teenagers

A few jokes and funny stories about teenagers.

Why does it take so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

The man fainted as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone who saw it happen dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped the man regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
“It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.

Teenage Driver: But, officer, I’m a college graduate, don’t I look like I need a treatment for acne.
Traffic Cop: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law.

Dad: Son, what do you want for your 18th birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad… With a sports car around it.

The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.

You know you’re growing old when ..

– When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

– When your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

– When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

– When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

– When your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

– Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

– When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

– You know you’re getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

– You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

– You have a lifetime supply of glucosamine chondroitin msm

– Your back goes out, but you stay home.

– You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.

– It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

– Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

– Happy hour is a nap.

– When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

– Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

– It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

– Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

– The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

– It takes twice as long to look half as good.

– The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

– You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

– You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

– You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.

– You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.

– You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

– You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

– You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

– You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

– Let’s face it, traveling just isn’t as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

– Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

– You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

– Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

– Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

– It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

– If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.

– People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

– Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

– Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

– Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

– Things you buy now won’t wear out.

– No one expects you to run into a burning building.

– There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

– Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

– In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

– You’re sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

– You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing “Kumbaya.”

– Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.

– You start video taping daytime game shows.

– You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramĂ©.

– At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

– Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

– Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

– It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

– You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

– You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

– You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

– You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

– You look both ways before crossing a room.

– You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

– You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

– You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

– Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

– Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

– The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.

– All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

– The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

– You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

– Your back goes out more than you do.

– You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

– You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

– You are proud of your lawn mower.

– Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

– Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

– You sing along with the elevator music.

– You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

– You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

– You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

– You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

– You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

– Neighbors borrow your tools.

– People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

– You have a dream about prunes.

– You send money to PBS.

– The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

– You take a metal detector to the beach.

– You wear black socks with sandals.

– You know what the word “equity” means.

– You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

– Your ears are hairier than your head.

– You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

– You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

– You got cable for the weather channel.

– You can go bowling without drinking.

– You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

– Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

– You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

– Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

– Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

– Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.

– You look forward to a dull evening.

– Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

– You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

– You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

– You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

– You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

– You don’t remember being absent minded.

– “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.

– Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

– Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

What to wear?

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Wave some acsonix reviews under his nose. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!”

“Simple”, replied the Priest…

“It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

Hot Tub Etiquette

Hot Tub Etiquette for Men

1. It’s alright to have an erection in a hot tub, but don’t float to the surface yelling “Up Periscope”!

2. It’s okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing; it’s NOT okay to pass gas.

3. Feel encouraged to whisper words of admiration to the well-endowed blonde soaking next to you, but don’t point and exclaim in a loud voice “Hey baby, nice set of Bazookas!”

4. Drink wine or other alcoholic beverages in moderation while hot tubing. DON’T get drunk and suddenly submerge after screaming “Beaver Attack!” And never pull the hot tub covers over when someone else is in!

5. A little underwater groping is OK… Groping yourself is not!

Hot Tub Etiquette for Women

1. It’s not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs “Oh yes Baby!”

2. Washing your partner’s back is sexy; washing your panty hose is NOT!

3. Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don’t spoil things by making snide remarks like, “I’ve seen bigger wangs on a hamster!”

4. It’s okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing; it’s NOT okay to pass gas.

5. Don’t think your fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.

Parking Lot Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center to buy a set of dog beds and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

“Why don’t you just put it in park”?

If companies ran Christmas

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn’t have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy Cyber Monday Netbooks since most of the other tree types wouldn’t work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for ‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..?

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
“Baby’s First Ornament” would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for Digital Cameras for Cyber Monday would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the ’70s, didn’t we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

The Miracle Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough ariation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, end up buying drugs like phentermine, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may wish to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!


One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Four crayons (any color).
A handful of potato chips.
A glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack:
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.


Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).
One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring it inside and drop on the rug.

A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.


Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of best chair.

Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some of the punch through your nose, if possible.


A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.

A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatballs on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

The doctor’s note ..

A society lady from Quatre Bornes, who was famous for her lavish dinner parties, sent an invitation to the community’s leading internist inviting him to her dinner party.

The doctor replied with a poorly hand-written illegible note. She showed it to her husband saying, “I can’t read this note, I have no idea if he has accepted or refused.”

The husband looked at the note and said, “I’ll take it to the neighboring pharmacy, a pharmacist can always read a doctor’s hand-writing.”

Approaching Maxime, the pharmacist, the husband said, “Can you interpret this for me?”

Maxime looked at the message and said, “Give me a few minutes, ‘Mo vini la’,” and disappeared into the back room. He returned in a few minutes with a small bottle of phentermine.

“Here you are,” he said. “That will be $9.50.”