The butcher and the dog

A butcher is just about to close his shop when he saw a dog walking in. He tried to chase the dog away, but the dog kept coming back. When he was going to chase him off again he saw the dog had an envelope in his mouth. Curious, the butcher opened the envelope and in it he found a €50 note and a note that said: “Can you please send me with this dog 1kg of minced beef and 1/2 kg of leg of lamb?”
Surprised the butcher took the money, put the mince and the leg of lamb in a bag and put that in front of the dog. However he forgot to give the dog the change.
The dog started to growl and to show the butcher his teeth. The butcher realised his mistake and put the change in the bag. The dog calmed down, took the bag and left.

The butcher, impressed, decided to follow the dog and quickly closed his shop.
The dog walked down the street to the traffic-lights where he sat on the pavement waiting until he was allowed to cross.

He then crossed the road and walked to the busstop, with the butcher following him closely. At the busstop, when he saw it was the bus he needed, he got in, still followed by the butcher.

The butcher, now well surprised, saw how the dog lifted his front paws to press the bell to be let off the bus, still with the bag in his mouth.

Dog and butcher walked down the street until the dog stopped at a house where he left the bag by the door, then, going back a bit, he threw himself at the door, hitting it hard. He repeated this several times, but nobody answered the door.

Then to top it all, the butcher saw the dog taking up the bag again, walk around the house, jump over a fence and go to a window. Once there he tapped the window a few times, without letting go of the bag, then he returned to the door.

At that moment a man opened the door… and started to hit the dog. The butcher ran to the man to stop him and said: “Jesus, my friend, what are you doing?. Your dog is a genius!…… He is unique!”

The man, annoyed, answered: “Genius, my arse!! This is now the second time this week this stupid dog forgot his keys…. and comes back when I´m in the bath!!.”

The Expensive Hotel

Here’s a joke I came across while traveling with some friends. Not sure whether it’s a real story or not, but you can decide for yourself 🙂

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. The hotel was lovely, but not as nice as the four seasons chicago.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

It’s all about technique

A German approaches a prostitute. “I vish to buy sex viz you.”

“OK,” says the girl, “I charge 20 an hour.”

“..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.”

“No problem,” she replies, “I can do that.” So they go to the girl’s place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

“I vant zat you tie ze springs springs to each of your hans und knees.” The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said.

“Now you vill get on your hans und knees.” She does this, balancing on the springs.
“please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.” She finds it odd, but figures it’s harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to speak. “What do you call that position?”

He says: “It’s the four-sprung duck technique.”

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Jesus and the parrot

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into. He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying “Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you”

He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight in to direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot. The bird repeats “Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you”

The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be? The parrot answers “Coco.” The burglar sniggers and says “I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.” The parrot answers “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Pitbull terrier”

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Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. Loads of dog beds out there.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

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Gone camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

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Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning, ” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. ”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “My house already has a whole house hepa filters and I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Headphone Haircut

A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The buy sennheiser headphones for a reason, you know.”

The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, “Breathe in. Breathe out.”

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Bio Personals

I’ve been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenial TACGTAC.

Menage a trois! Ligand seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let’s get together and transduce some signals.

Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I’m just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind.

Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn’t everything.

There must be a rational way to meet a date! I’m tired of hanging out in those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide. I want a molecule that will fit right into my active site and really turn me on. I’ll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!

Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I’ve shed my exons and am ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host.

My RNA, I’m sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation. Please forgive me.

Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites preferred.

Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein.

This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long term hybridization.

Mature t-cell-15 seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won’t go apoptotic on me. Let’s fight senescence together!

I’m a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal. Call me if you’re a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation.

I don’t always express myself on the surface, but I’m looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy.

Letters to a landlord

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.