Off to bed with you

After making all the beds (they had bought some new pine beds that day), a small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[Five minutes later]

“Da-ad…”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

[Five minutes later]

“Da-aaaad…”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”

[Five minutes later]

“Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…”

“WHAT??!!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Things Mom would never say

  • “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  • “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
  • “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
  • “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”
  • “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
  • Don’t worry about Mother’s Day. Who needs a unique mothers day gift anyway!
  • “Well, if Rahul‘s mamma says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
  • “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
  • “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
  • “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”

Mental Hospital

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you’re being discharged, your disability insurance will pay for you to get home; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?’

Passing a parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store right next to the e-cig store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

Are you an Internet addict?

You Might Be An Internet Addict If…

  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.
  • Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
  • Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”
  • Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
  • You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  • All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  • When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
  • Your dog has its own home page.
  • You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.
  • You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
  • Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
  • You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
  • You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  • Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.
  • You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  • Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
  • You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with IE 6.0 or higher.” and refuse any tattoo removal offered.
  • You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.
  • The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
  • You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  • Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
  • As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Modems vs Women

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

  • A modem doesn’t ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing “AT”.
  • When you’re done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
  • A modem won’t say a word if you come home late.
  • A modem can’t collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
  • A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
  • You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
  • A modem doesn’t mind if you call another modem.
  • Modems don’t trawl the internet looking for the strongest diet pills around.
  • A virus you catch from your modem doesn’t require a trip to the doctor.
  • You don’t have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
  • Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control – you can even turn the sound OFF.

Reasons why it’s great to be a woman

  1. Free drinks.
  2. Free dinners.
  3. Free movies.
  4. Speeding ticket? What’s that?
  5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
  6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
  7. If you’re not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
  8. You can sleep your way to the top.
  9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
  10. It’s possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
  11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
  12. Brad Pitt.
  13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
  14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
  15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
  16. If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
  17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
  18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
  19. You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
  20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
  21. Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth or whether there you have dark circles under eyes.
  22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
  23. You’ve never had a goatee.
  24. You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
  25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
  27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Dating hints for men

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I need to take my testosterone supplements after this meal.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.

It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

Things to do at a bowling alley

Everytime you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU!!!” continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.

When ever a strike “X” appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.

Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.

Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.

Wear Golf Shoes.

Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.

Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.

Play bocci with extra lane balls

Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again

Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.

Bring full angling gear, ask how they’re biting…..fish.

Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.

Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.

Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.

Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.

Root for the other team- Bring Banners.

Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.

Tell the rival team captain that you just met his “little girl” walk away mumbling “how bad things happen”

Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments

Even if you miss totally–At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE

Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.

Rent all the lanes, don’t bowl

Rent all the shoes, eat them

Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating

When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.

If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics

Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone

Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.

SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers…leave town

Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night

Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling

Name your ball something like “KILLER”, Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night

Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.

Bring a dartgun…Be inventive.

Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.

Run around sprinkling “MAGIC FAIRY DUST” on everyone’s balls. Tar works nice.

Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights….. leave or Cancel the whole thing.

Hand out Pamphlets on bsn nitrix.