Beauty Queen

My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason. Why just the other day, she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor. She used to go in the past, having facials, premier dead sea treatments and the whole shebang. But she hadn’t been in years, so I just couldn’t resist asking:

“Are you going in for an estimate or are you going to get the work done?”

I’m still sleeping in the yard …

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The Insurance Job

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“We don’t need any one,” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing.”
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell any term insurance to. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked. “Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”

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Nurses in heaven

Three nurses went to heaven still in their nursing scrubs, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

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The musical lumberjack

Two Yorkshire musical saw men and a Lancashire lumberjack were walking across the Pennines. All of a sudden one of Yorkshiremen ran up to the top of the hill to the mouth of a small limestone cave. He took a deep breath and called into the cave ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ and listened closely until he heard an answering, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then put down his band saw blades, tore off his clothes and ran in to cave with a big smile on his face. Puzzled by this ritual the Lumberjack asked the remaining musical sawman “Was the other man mad?”
“Ney lad”, he replied, “It is our custom in these parts of Yorkshire during our mating season”. “When a Yorkshireman finds a cave, he must cry out, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If he gets an answer back, it means there’s a grand looking Yorkshire Lass is in there waiting for him”.

A few miles later they came across another cave cut into the millstone grit. The remaining musical saw man ran up to its entrance and cried out, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”. A few moments later …….there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” An excited musical saw man tore off his clothes and ran in.

The Lumberjack continued alone for a long while through several dales and over beautiful countryside. He came across a third much larger cave. As he looked in amazement at the sheer size, he wondered just how many fine looking women could be waiting for him inside.. He stood in front of the opening, and with all his might he cried out “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like with the other caves, he heard the answering calling back, ‘WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Huddersfield Examiner read “NAKED LANCASHIRE LUMBERJACK’s LIFE CUT SHORT BY TRANS PENNINE EXPRESS TRAIN”.

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Joys of Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further, just past the customized thank you gifts, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price.’

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The furniture salesmen

Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar commiserating. One says, “Man! If I don’t move some cabin furniture this month, I’m going to lose my ass.”

The second salesman says, “Watch your mouth! There’s a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m’aam.”

The woman looks at him and says, “That’s OK. I’m a hooker. If I don’t move some ass this month, I’m going to lose my furniture!”

Fast phone repair

Ian Bell, a lorry driver, who had never owned a cell-phone, was a frequent user of the pay telephone at Weybridge CafĂ©, in Brooklands Road, and was greatly inconvenienced when the ‘phone broke down.

He made repeated requests for it to be repaired but sadly the telephone company, who specialised in pay phones and conference call hosting, only made promises.

After several days, Ian, decided to contact the phone company again and told them that there was no longer any hurry to repair the box. He added that the ‘phone was now working fine, concluding with ‘except that all money was being returned to callers upon completion of each call.’

A repairman arrived within the hour.

Horse Joke

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one, together with some equestrian clothes and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, “Preacher’s Ass shows”

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”

This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”

They buried the Bishop the next day.

Time for a discharge

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman — already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet — who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. I wiped my hands on my dickies scrubs and got him into the chair. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Boing Boing

Man goes into jewellery shop on a Friday afternoon a with drop dead gorgeous woman half his age. After trying on a diamond tennis bracelet they eventually settle on beautiful 4.00ct diamond ring and spectacular diamond bracelet. The man writes out a cheque and explains to shop staff that he understands the cheque will need three days to clear and they should call him when it is cleared.

The couple leave the shop, she very obviously overjoyed. Oh Wednesday the shop staff call the man to advise that his cheque had bounced. “On he says”, I had no intention of buying that jewellery – but I did have the best weekend ever!”