Category: Jokes

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.

I wasn’t too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it’d never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong’s Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he’d probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday, as he had lots of equestrian clothing from other clients to deal with first. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong’s again.

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.

And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.

The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong’s to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. “No charge,” said Wong, “but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: … Two Wongs cannot make a white.”

You Might Be a Technician if…

• you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
• you think of the gadgets in your office as “friends.”
• you think your computer looks better without the cover.
• you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”
• you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
• the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
• the microphone at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to fix it.
• you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
• you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
• you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
• you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Jane had just turned fifty and her best friend asked her:

So, what did your daughter give you for the big day, then?

“Top wrinkle cream!” Jane told her.

And what did she give you last year and the years before?

Jane did not reply right away.

“Wrinkles!”, she said after a few minutes.

A young man was walking through Target to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around near the baby gifts section. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate Branson office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate office. I can’t stand agents.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some the paperwork.”

“I hate paperwork,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don’t like office and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

A auto insurance rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward some men playing the next hole. The golf ball hit one of them. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man. “Please allow me to help. I’m a specialist in massage therapy and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,” How does that feel”?

He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop in Branson Missouri when three Hell’s Angels’ bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.”

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room.

“Welcome to Condo Hotels“, says the clerk. As he fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

“Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll need a double room for the night.”

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. “What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here one night!”

“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”

Three lawyers (one from Washington, one from Scranton and one from New York) and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, “Trust us — we’re lawyers.”

When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand (the one of the Scranton personal injury lawyer) shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. “Well,” they said modestly, “we ARE lawyers.”

After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. “Trust us,” the three said. “We’re lawyers.”

When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant’s bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.